My search for another job has been coming along for a while now. I graduated from school 3 years ago, and have gotten 2 degrees in that time, and I have been looking for another job. I feel so discouraged sometimes when I look because either people want "experience" or a certification I do not have or can not afford.
I think that sometimes I should just give up and take whatever I can get but I do not. Sometimes I think maybe I offended someone somewhere and this is all Karma coming back on me. The best way to describe how I feel at the moment is sad. I look at where I am in life and just want to scream half the time. I am almost 32 years old and here I am stuck in a dead end job that barely gives me any money. I basically can pay my child support every two weeks and then I have about a hundred dollars to my name to last me for two weeks. I look at other people I know and while they are not doing "awesome" they are not forced to live back home again.
I want to change all of this, of course I do, but it seems like I can not. I apply to places. I look everyday for a better job. I think I am going to have to just take a job like delivering pizzas or something so I can at least make enough money to live on my own. So I can at least make enough money a week to be able to buy my son something to eat when I pick him up when it is NOT payday.
Sadness is all I feel at the moment. I want to pull myself up and be somebody but I think I am going to have to leave this place to do it, and I do not want to. I want to be here and near for my son. I need to be with him because he is the best thing that ever happened to me. I do not want to be that dad, you know the one. The one you see on everything that has disassociated himself from his child because he lives somewhere else. I want to be the dad that supports and watches my son grow. Well I guess if I wanted that to happen then maybe I shouldn't have gotten a divorce?
I try not to think about things like that because it seems like SHE is doing wonderful in life, since she cheated on me and left me for her new husband she married within a month of divorcing me. SHE seems to be on top of the world right now, and that just makes me want to scream. Because when you look at that logic then it seems like I was just dragging her down to a horrible level. I try not to drag people down. I try to be a good guy and a good person.
Not going to go into my divorce in here yet, sometimes it still hurts, but SHE seems to be having a much better life since she left me, and that makes me feel the opposite of warm and fuzzy, yeah depressed.
I know this isn't a race or anything like that but I feel that by now I should be able to support myself and my son when I have him. I look at all my friends and they may not be doing the best, they at least have a place they can call home, that is theirs.
Lately I have been feeling very low, and I have to get it out. I have a horrid time talking about it but I can write about it all day long, odd I know. Well next week starts the exercise/eating better thing I started this blog for in the first place. Maybe trying to have a goal in life, even a small one, will help me to feel better. I surely hope so. I do not want my son to look back on his life and think "Wow my Dad sure was a loser for most of my life."
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