So I decided to get back on the "bandwagon" if you will and try this whole dating thing again. Something about my failed marriage kind of scared me with trying to date again, that and I have issues with even looking at myself let alone someone else do it.
There is just something about this whole starting over thing that just scares the crap out of me. I guess because I was in a relationship for those five years, one kind of gets comfortable with things. Now I have to basically start over from square one with meeting people.
It kind of scares me because now I have do all that getting to know people thing. I often think of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, season 6, when Tara and Willow are trying to get to know each other again after Willow went all crazy and messed with her head. Most of the season, after the whole Willow is an addict thing happens, is just those two trying to rediscover what made them attracted to each other, and both feeling maybe they have messed up beyond repair for the relationship.
In the end Willow is just trying to play is safe and go slow and it is Tara who comes out and says how there is so much they have yet to do. How there is so much trust that has to be established just so they can be happy together. Then, in my opinion, comes the best line from their whole relationship. Tara says all that, making Willow sad, and end it with "Can't we just be together again? Can't I just be kissing you right now?"
Which leads to kissing and them getting back together, until Tara dies in the next episode. The point is sometimes I feel like that. I know that relationships are hard at first. That you have to build up who you are to each other so the sparks, if they will, will fly. Thinking about doing that just mentally wears me out.
The main problem with all this is the games people tend to play when the first round of dating starts. You want this person to like you. You want them to look at you and me happy they are with you. So you build yourself up to them. You play games and what not that in the long run of the relationship you think back on saying "What was I thinking??". Which is inevitably how all relationships end up. You have to reach that comfort zone with people that you can be yourself and they still like you.
I know a lot of my friends are thinking that relationships are not worth all that hassle, but I am kind of a romantic. I believe that two people can be together, make each other happy, and compliment each other to the point that you are happy with them. I believe this because no matter what anyone says, I think it is ingrained in our minds to be with the opposite sex. If for anything other than just the natural drive to pass on your genes.
Yeah we have made relationships a lot of badness over the years, and sometimes I wonder why people are even in them, but in the end I think that our brains need them. People, or me at least, feel odd not having someone there to tell about the good times or the bad. People want someone to ask them how their days went, to listen to them complain about how life is going against them, or even give them support for said life.
The point I am making is that it is a lot of work, in the beginning, to get someone to like you. You have to be the ultimate person, or think you do anyway. People are rarely themselves when it comes to dating. The small things that make a person who they are, are usually left out. So you do not get a complete picture of the people. I wish it was possible to fill out a resume of sorts saying this is me, this is what I like to do, this is how I do things, these things might get on your nerves later on, and these things I think you will like.
With something like that two people could maybe skip the awkward beginning and in effect just get to the kissing. Not to say I think that relationships should immediately be physical. That, I think, should also take it's time to a natural progression. No matter if that is two months or two days, that kind of stuff happens with it happens. The point I am making is all this dating stuff is wearing away at me. I want to be myself but, of course, can we really be ourselves in the beginning? I would like to think so, nay, I would like to hope so. Maybe I can tell someone who I am and not have any weirdness? Maybe I will be alone forever in trying that? Only time till tell.
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